I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
