So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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