Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Randomize
