Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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