I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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