I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
