good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
