I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
