i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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