o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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