it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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