Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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