I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
