my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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