omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
You are a booty call, not a friend.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
