I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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