he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
