my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
