Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
