of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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