how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
