Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
