The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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