she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
