I wish my penis had an off switch
I think my fart just growled at me.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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