Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
