Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize