the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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