I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
