dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
