Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize