i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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