So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
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