why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
