It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
