Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
