For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
