I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize
