is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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