Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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