My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize