glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize