did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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