You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
