Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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