Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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