the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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