My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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