Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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