saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
