mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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