i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
