I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
When did angry sex become our thing?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
