I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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