I'm jealous of your bromance
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
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