JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
