i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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