Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize