Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
