i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
