I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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