somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
