The maid of honor just puked.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
