I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
