thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I will pee on everything he values.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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