So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My ass is underappreciated
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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